Think positive

Well for me, my blog is like a diary. I Just post what I like or how I feel. Hope u like it. If you ever need someone, I'm here for all of you and I'll do my best to help you. Everything is going to be okay, if it is not okay, it is not the end.

suicidal?

You’re sitting at your desk. You know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know for sure. You’re tired, you’re just so very tired. Your parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope or the knife or the gun or just whatever you choose to use ‘cause you’re that despite to leave. You’re ready, you think it’s some game. The first one who’s dead is the first one who wins. No one is home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready, if you don’t do it now you’re just gonna look down on yourself even more forever. You’re gonna hate yourself even more. No one knows. No one will know. Until later on. You stand up getting a paper and a pen, you’ve got the video camera along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You’ve decided to go with the rope. You’re gone, instantly. And there’ll be no noise. One side of the rope is tight to the top of your van while the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears and you know it’s for real this time, you can feel it. You turn on the video camera and you just stare at that red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words : “mom, dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry but I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself and I seem to be not able to find my way back. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both. Please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong and stay save. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be their for him anymore, especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think off, even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them trough so pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is of the chair now, as you begin to mourn the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn of the camera in your right hand, your pointer finger on the off-but. You click that but in. And as soon you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now of the chair, that chair is on the floor. The room is filth with silence. You’re dead, you’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over, you don’t have to live in pain anymore. But everyone else will what are your parents gonna think? What about your little brother? And your little sister? What are they gonna do? You’re gone, you’re dead and there is no going back. You ended your life because the person you liked only thought of you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class, because she knew you that were the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home now, they call your name, telling you that they are home, just like they normally do whenever they get home. But something is different. You don’t answer. They don’t hear your voice. They got worried, you always answer. They come upstairs thinking you’re sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Your little sister hears her and comes after her. She screams “daddy help!” she runs over to you hiding you like begging you to wake up. “wake up! Wake up! Please.. stop, wake up!” but you don’t answer, you’re not waking up. You’re gone, you’re dead, there is no waking up! There is no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he can do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back in front of a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries. Your dad never cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words ‘my daughter committed suicide’ out of his mouth. He’s in tears. Your little sister stairs at your dad. He hangs up and she jumps rights into your dads arms, crying harder than ever. She is too young to understand completely but she knows you’re gone. She knows your dad and she knows you’re never coming back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They take your mom out of your room. They push your dad and sister out of your room. And now they ‘re all sitting in the living room. They take your body down of those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and you go. Just like that. In a blink of an eye everything happened and everything was over. You’re gone, you’re dead. There is no going back. Nothing is the same. Two weeks have past and your mom still stares out of the window more than half of the day. Sometimes even the whole day. Your little sister still hasn’t return to school. Your dad was to force to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your funeral. Eventually they found the strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for two months. The rope is still lying on the floor, the same place the cops put it and the video camera is still standing on the table. They don’t even dare to watch that video. They will never be seen. They slowly pick up the ropes and throw it in the garbage. Your mom is in tears. They rush of your bed, making it neat, like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your desk was empty. It didn’t have those little sticky notes you used to leave before you ran to the passing. ‘Have a good day mom, remember the smile’ or ‘have fun on work dad ’ You pretended to be so happy, you even tricked yourself. Your bed was made and your room was clean, they shot the door. Your school is still in grief. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. Remember that girl that was your lab partner? Yeah, she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault that you died. Remember that boy that tripped you by accident? He laughed at you and didn’t say sorry. He is in suicidal therapy. Five days a week in the hospital because if he would have smiled it could have saved your life and he didn’t gave that to you. Do you remember that teacher that was hard on you that day? She quits her job because she felt she was ensued to teach anymore. You’re gone, you’re dead. There is no going back. Four years have passed now. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club. It’s in her school dedicated to you. ‘secrets’ is what she called it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone to talk to. That was your problem, you didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything sealed inside of you. Acted like you were the happiest kid on the planet and you acted like you had the perfect life. You played that happy character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so happy all day and as soon as you laid in bed that night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. For what everything inside of you piled op of years. You just had your limits. You’re gone, you’re dead. There is no going back. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side, moving her in the right direction. She needed you. Your best friend is still torn up. He needed you. Your parents don’t know what to do anymore. They needed you. Your school now has a club dedicated to you, so teens will not make the same mistake as you did. Your life was precious. And you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile. It’s all you needed to show you that everything will be okay. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. And people always will care. You were just way to upset to see that. You were just to locked up in the fact that you thought no one cared. But the truth was: more people cared about you than you ever thought they would. And you know what sucks? It sucks that you see that now that you’re gone. And you didn’t see that when you were still here. Your town will never be the same, a girl is gone. A special girl. A girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They cared. They always have cared and they always will care. They loved you. No matter what, they will always still love you.

I refuse to believe there is anyone or anything more beautiful in this world than you.

(Source: blissfal)

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